There comes a point in a man's life where he is tired of everything, this is called "functional depression". This kind of depression is where if it goes on for too long there is two things that will happen: they will kill themselves - or two they are so sick and tired of being tired. They don't want to be around anyone and more importantly they don't even want to be around themselves. I am the second option. I really don't have nothing to lose when building GradePoint or working on my brand/content. I've been locked in my room until something gives or I give. There is no other way. I'm not doing this because I am motivated. I'm not. I haven't slept properly in days. I just had my first meal in three days. You know what that was? Boiled beans and flour flitter/fritter(whatever it is called).
I'm doing this because I have no other option. I'm tired of being myself. Since I was younng I have been tired of being myself. I have carried a massive amount of weight on my shoulders. Did you know stress can show up as a heart attack? I didn't know until I went to the doctor over months of chest pains. They just told me they were panic attacks. I thought I'd never had a panic attack in my life. I now have them all the time.
I'm not doing this because I want to get rich. I just want to focus on something eventually I can be proud of, even if it kills me doing it. I've tried therapy, it didn't work. For a majority of people it does. i won't ever bash someone for attending therapy. If you do, I am proud of you for getting help that you so deserve. On the other hand. I don't need no ones approval. No one is coming to save me. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am fine when I am not. I started this blog to get my mind out there.
I was having a conversation with a friend that friend messages me and ask if I was okay. You know what I told him? "Well, the gun jammed so I'm here", you know what he told me? "I sure hope you are kidding...". I'm just using humor to cope at this point because it is all I can do. Another friend asked if I was okay on a discord call, you know what I said? "No, but thanks for asking", then I shut that shit down. I'm not doing this line of work for "shits and giggles", Im doing it because I am good at it. It's the only thing I am good at. I'll be damned if I let another thing slip away from me in this life.
You know most men recieve their first set of flowers at there funeral? That's pretty fucking sad, isn't it? Everyone only has nice things to say about you when you're dead. Thing is I have been dead for years. I just haven't had a grave yet. I believe in what's called the "Peter Parker Effect", have you ever heard of it? I'll quote it down below if you haven't.
The "Peter Parker effect" is a viral social media concept describing individuals who carry deep personal pain yet choose to give away abundant hope. They do this because they know what it feels like to be completely alone in need, driving them to become the support system they once lacked
I don't feel like Spider-Man, no matter hard I try to be. That shit is very tiring. There are three things life has taught me in my twenty-four years of life on this planet. Do you know what that is? Of course you don;t but you will.
This is who I am and I am tired of pretending that everything is peachy just so social media and everyone else can approve of me. Nobody cares about a man's mental health until he gets pushed over the edge - then suddenly they are the problem. Nobody checked on him in the first place, it's not apparent until they start acting "crazy" that anyone cares to speak up. Honestly, that is bullshit. So when people ask if I am okay, yes I'm "fine". Do I want to talk about it? No, do not. I'm taking the world by the fucking nuts man. Am I gonna lay in bed and waste my time? Hell no. I'm tired of not getting my way with anything. No career, I'm building one. I have no other choice. Due to a Grand Larceny charge at nineteen-years-old I can't even work a fuckign cash register at Mcdonald's, that's pretty fucking sad considering it was my first offense and it's been nearly five years. I applied to Lowes, you know what I got? "Oh, Lowe's kicked you out of the system because of your felony". My felony isn't violent. It was a plea deal taken as a high-low. I fucked up probation by smoking some pot when I was nineteen. They stuck me on home confinement for nearly three years. I got released from home confinement, I'm currently on parole right now. I have a year left almost to the date before I get my early release. I have tried so fucking hard to turn my life around. I got sober, I got clean, and I started from the beginning.
This isn't a "comeback" story, this is a "I have no other choice" story. And for all the people who are going to judge me for this post fuck you in bold. I'm taking what I want when I want, nobody is going to stop me.
I got new merchandise in my shop by the way. You can find it with this link right here. I finally found a brand besides "SQL Robot" the brand is going to be based around mental health and not giving a damn about what others think. If you ejoyed my little rant. Thank you, I really appreciate it so much. At least I might be heard here.