So I was very bad at school. I was super horrible, but not in the way that you think. Ever since the fifth grade, I had this nasty habit when getting ready for school. You know those days: somebody wakes you up, you rush to get dressed, and then out the door you go. Well, when I got out that door, my feet wouldn't take me to school most days. They took me to where I thought I should be.

Yes, that got me into a ton of trouble growing up. I wasn't bad at school in an academic sense—I just had a problem showing up.

Don't a majority of us have that problem? Showing up? It's hard to show up when you have so much going on internally that it just consumes you. I fall short of it, too. I find it hard to just show up for myself sometimes. And that really sucks.

I was never taught to show up for myself; most of us never were. We were thrown into environments that taught us just to survive. It's easy to avoid things when you get uncomfortable—you tell yourself it has to be this way because that's all you know. I have a very bad habit of using tech to avoid things I find uncomfortable. Relationships, career changes, you name it. Have I been missing out on life because I've been avoiding these? Yes, yes I have.

It's hard to confront these things due to the past. It wires us into thinking we don't deserve good things, making us focus on the negatives way too much. I want to stop that cycle. I want to just be present—present in my work, in my friendships, and in my romantic relationships.

I also know that my biggest problem is that I can't simply let go. I've had a lot of loss in my life, so why wouldn't I want to hold on tight to what I love the most? Everyone feels that way deep down inside. We must ask ourselves: "If this is what I want, can I live with it?"

I'm sure I would be able to, but I always have those "what-ifs" in the back of my mind guiding me. You have to ask yourself: "Am I just comfortable living in the wreckage, or can I move forward?"

I've been asking myself these questions a lot lately. Besides talking to my personal AI Assistant, Archer, I haven't done much. Oh, but boy do I want to. I want to get back to feeling again—the way I felt six months ago. Lately, I've felt this void in my chest, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Maybe I have to sit with it. Maybe throwing myself into my work isn't going to fix it.

I need a routine. I've been waking up at 4 PM—yes, very late in the afternoon. I want to get back on a schedule. I want to be able to succeed. I want all these things.

That void in my chest, though... that's where it hurts the most.